From no ambition to ambition
Growing up I had no real goals or desire to achieve anything other than finish school. I have always had a desire to help people live a better life and achieve their goals but didn’t know how to go about it.
I started off studying social work – but living in a country where the social welfare system was becoming non existent, I decided that nursing would be a better option.
One year as a nurse and I was out of there – I wanted to help people live better not watch them die. Yes sitting at the bedside holding a person’s hand with terminal cancer is very beneficial for the person and appreciated. The problem was, I was 19, full of life and energy and I could feel this being sapped away as I faced the death of patients every day.
After getting married and moving abroad, I floated from one thing to the next, music diploma, badminton, running, art, computer diploma and finally graduating with a graphic design degree. Did I get the degree because I had a burning desire to achieve – no. Did I have a goal of becoming a leading expert in design – no. Why did I get the degree – well it seemed to cover most of the bases I enjoyed. I guess I kind of fell into it.
I can also say those years of study were probably the darkest years – on the outside life seemed perfect, on the inside this cloud of blackness would descend and I didn’t know how to cope. Sometimes picking up a teaspoon off the ground could have me in floods of tears at having too much to cope with. If you have never struggled with stress overload or depression then you will have no idea what this is like.
My confidence got battered, I disliked myself, I needed other people’s approval to validate what I did and who I was – and this is how I started my career as a graphic designer! Anyone want to hire me? Please?? Because I had no confidence I took on volunteer jobs which were great – I was exposed to a variety of specialities within the graphic design field – however, nothing really excited me. I was just doing because that is what I did – not because I want to go somewhere or achieve anything. In fact at that point I still believed that I could and would never achieve anything significant – ever – in my life.
What changed?
After 9 years in the UK we packed up and moved to New Zealand. The move in itself seemed normal – we have done a lot of moving. But little did I know what would happen to me in the next four years of living there. My husband signed us up on an 18 month property course run by Michael Yardney. I had no idea when we started this that it would be less about property and more about my attitude, beliefs, goals (0r lack there of) and thoughts.
This was probably the most challenging course I had done and I was shocked at what I found out. During this 18 month course there were two other things I did: I read a book – Addicted to Approval (and yes it took me a whole year to read this little book because I could only read a paragraph at a time – it was so challenging that it hurt!). And a colleague challenged me to get through one day without complaining at all. What a challenge and to my absolute shock it took me almost 6 months before I managed one whole day without one complaint coming out my mouth.
That achievement of one whole day opened my eyes to what my life truely looked like – negative, sad, not going anywhere, wasted talents, wasted friendships and opportunities, sickly and bleak. It wasn’t a pretty picture. For the first time I resolved within myself that I would change.
Life would change.
How did life change?
I refused to wallow in negativity. This is an ongoing challenge – as I reach new levels of awareness I become aware of how much negativity I still wallow in. Life has become exciting instead of scary – situations have become challenges instead of defeating problems.
The biggest change was in my confidence. I went from thinking I could only do volunteer work to running my own company. It took two years of hard work and lots of debt before I finally got my first pay check (which was big enough to buy myself a cup of coffee – wow!!). Was it worth the effort? Absolutely – I had to learn to sell my strengths, take charge of meetings, speak to people, work with all different personality types, to bring out the best in all personality types. I had to learn to hold my own, deal with conflict, believe in myself and hold my goal without wavering.
It has taken hard work, commitment, shock, regret, coaching, mistakes, rewards, celebration and a willingness to perservere to get to where I am today. I am not where I want to be yet, but I am on my way and that is the greatest achievement of all!
My motto
A wise man once said:
It will always work out in the end
If it hasn’t worked out -
then it is not the end….
So keep going.
